Escaping One Last Time
by americanstalker
Summary: Nick deals with the feelings of pain and loss after he loses a friend to suicide


Escaping One Last Time

_Nick deals with the feelings of pain and loss after losing a friend to suicide._

It had been a night like any other for Nick Stokes, full of tagging, bagging, photographing, and asking questions. He went home at about 7 AM and went to bed. Two hours later, however, he was awoken by the phone.

"Stokes", he answered sleepily. It was Marie Homan, wife of Todd Homan, who was a buddy of Nick's at Texas A&M. She was crying hysterically, which meant that whatever news she was going to give him wasn't good.

He was right.

"Todd committed suicide. He was found hanging from his shower in his hotel room this morning," Marie told Nick tearfully.

The Texan nearly dropped his phone at the news. He knew that Todd and Marie were separated, but he seemed to be handling it okay. "Oh my God, that's horrible. Would you like me to come down there? I'll call my boss and see if I can't get time off ASAP." Marie told him that would be great, and to let her know when he would be coming. Nick assured her he would, and hung up.

After crying for a good while, he realized that sleep wasn't going to come back to him, so Nick decided to watch TV. It did no good, because he would constantly see something that reminded him of Todd. He then decided to play some video games. He turned on _Halo 2,_ hoping it would help get some angry feelings out of his system. However, Nick was too distracted to concentrate. Annoyed, he threw down the controller and decided to go for a walk. He grabbed his iPod and hit the sidewalk.

Nick knew a nature trail was close by. He would walk down it sometimes after he was buried alive, and it helped him calm down. The sunshine felt wonderful on the Texan's face, and the music helped him feel better. A few songs reminded him of Todd, but it didn't have the same effect as watching the TV. They actually caused him to laugh. At last, he got to the end of the trail, and turned around to go home.

After arriving, Nick showered and started on some housework. _At least I'm getting something constructive done,_ he thought.

He then decided to try to sleep again, as he knew it was going to be a long night, and he finally felt calm enough to do so. He set his alarm for 7 P.M. and closed his eyes.

* * *

At work that night, Nick explained what happened and asked for time off, apologizing for the short notice.

"Nicky, no one truly knows when someone is going to pass, regardless of age or health. Like you said, everything seemed fine with Todd," said Grissom.

"I know, I just feel kind of guilty, like there was something I could have done to talk him out of it."

"There's no need to", the older man assured him, "When someone decides that they are going to commit suicide, they are hell-bent on it, and there is almost nothing you can say or do to get them to stop. I'd give you a quote, but that would only depress you more. I'll give you the time off; put it down as a family emergency, which this basically is, right?

"Yeah, Todd was my 'brother from another mother' at A&M, and was until the very end. Heck, his son's middle name is my name. God, I miss him already," Nick choked back tears. "I need to get to work."

"Are you sure that you're going to be all right to work?" Grissom asked concerned. Nick assured his boss that he would be, and went to the break room. He poured himself a cup of coffee and just as he was doing so, Sara walked in. She greeted her friend, and asked him how he was.

"I've been a lot better." Sara asked Nick what happened, and he simply told the young woman that he would tell her when the shift was up. She nodded, and assured him that she was going to hold him to it.

That night, Catherine and Nick got assigned to a case at the Stardust Casino Hotel. There was a woman found hanging in the shower with a shoelace. Her name was Lynn Gardiner, a traveler from Missouri. The case hit him too close for his comfort. When Catherine asked him if he was all right, he told her that he just found out that his buddy from college committed suicide. Nick also added that Todd killed himself in the same manner that their victim did.

"Are you going to be all right to handle this case? Because if it bothers you that much, I can ask Grissom to assign you to a different case," She asked.

"I'm going to be fine, don't worry about it." With that, they forged ahead, taking pictures, dusting for prints, and gathering any hair or fibers that could be of use to them. They also bagged and tagged a suicide note that was found on the desk. Once the scene was secured, the duo went back to the lab and dropped everything off for the lab rats to process. At the end of the night, Nick was able to clock out and go home. Before he did, however, he was caught by Sara.

"All right, here's what happened. My best friend from college committed suicide. I just got the call from his wife yesterday," Nick told her quietly," I'm leaving for Texas after my shift is up."

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry Nicky," Sara told him, hugging him. Warrick and Greg heard it as well, and offered their condolences. He thanked them, changed in the locker room, and left.

While driving home, the song "Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin came on the radio. The words struck a chord with him, especially the line about escaping one last time. _That's what Todd seemed to have done,_ Nick thought. _He went through a lot more than what he led on. He was trying to find a way to escape from the pain, and did it one last time. _

* * *

After showering and taking a nap, Nick decided that it was time to hit the road for Texas. He packed enough clothes for a week, including a suit for the wake and the funeral. Nick then called Marie, letting her know that he was on his way, and would be there within the next day or so. He slid the duffel bag and hanging garment bag containing his clothing in the back of the Tahoe, and a cooler containing bottled water and Diet Coke on the passenger seat. Finally, he hopped in and was on his way. Other than the occasional stop for gas or food, he drove through, arriving 18 hours later. Because of the hour, Nick decided to sleep in the back of the truck. Using his duffel bag as a pillow, he lay down on the floor and closed his eyes.

He awoke about six hours later, at 10 AM, by Marie knocking on the window of the car. Once he was awake and outside, he hugged his friend's widow. Nick then grabbed his luggage and walked inside.

"What time did you get in?" She asked.

"About four," he told her, sitting down on the couch and rubbing his sore, tired eyes.

"That's why you slept in your truck," she surmised. Nick nodded, adding that he didn't want to wake her up at that hour. She then asked him how his trip was, and Nick told her that it was the longest one of his life.

"Do you mind if I take a shower real quick?" He asked, bending down to grab some clothes, a towel, and his shaving kit. Marie consented, and he went upstairs to clean up. About fifteen minutes later, Nick emerged from the bathroom clean and shaved. He then went downstairs to visit with Marie a bit more. Nick knew that she was going though an even worse loss than he, despite the fact that she and Todd were separated, and was merely trying to be there for her and their children. Marie told him what a difficult time she was having trying to find a minister to do the service because of how Todd died, and blamed herself for what happened.

Nick didn't say a word. He simply nodded and listened. When she started to apologize for whining, he told her not to worry about it, that she wasn't.

"You're going through a difficult time. You need to unload before it builds up and boils over. You can't bottle it up and stay strong for the kids and everyone else forever. It's just not healthy for you."

Marie nodded in agreement.

The children came home from school that afternoon. Kevin and Gracie were surprised to see their Uncle Nick.

"Hey there," Nick greeted the kids, giving them each a hug. "How have you been?"

"All right," they chorused. He then told the kids that if they needed help with their homework, to let him know. The kids consented, and went upstairs to do just that.

Marie looked at him with curiosity. Nick merely explained that he didn't get to see them that often, and he felt that Kevin might be a bit more comfortable talking to him about what happened to his dad, when he was ready.

* * *

The wake was three days later. Todd was an only child and an orphan, so the only family of his was a few aunts, uncles, and cousins. Some of Marie's family was there, as were his friends from high school and college and Nick's parents.

"Mom, Cisco, I didn't expect you to come," Nick told them, hugging them both.

"Of course we'd be here, Pancho. We considered him a son as well, as close as you were to him," Judge Stokes pointed out. He was right; Todd had spent many holidays with the Stokes family, since he didn't really have any, and Nick couldn't bear the thought of his friend sulking in the dorm while so many others were with their families.

Nick stood by Marie and the children during the visitation. They seemed to be taking it well. He always heard how resilient children are, and this seemed to be proof. However, he didn't know if they were truly being resilient, or if they were still in shock. He thought it was the former, but something nagged at him to speak to Kevin and Gracie about it, when they were ready.

Right at the end, just as everyone was leaving, Nick lingered at the casket.

"Hey Todd, it's Nick. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I really didn't know how much you were going through. I always thought you would talk about it when you were ready. I just hope that wherever you are, you're not suffering anymore." With that, Nick walked out of the funeral home, and went back to the Homan house.

* * *

The day of the funeral dawned gray and cool, which described everyone's mood to a T. A picture of a smiling Todd stood by his open casket. Marie delivered an emotional eulogy. She stated at the end that despite the fact that she and Todd were separated, he was still the father of Kevin and Gracie, and she still loved him. A couple of Todd's friends said a few words, and a few prayers were said.

Nick was one of the pallbearers, along with Todd's brothers-in-law Nathan and David Palmer, his cousin Eric Thompson, and college buddies Wayne Spencer and Brian Snyder. Carrying him to the hearse was the heaviest load he ever bore in his life, physically and emotionally, but he was glad that he wasn't doing it alone.

The committal resembled the funeral for the most part. A couple of prayers were said, and then the coffin was lowered into the ground. Once that was accomplished, Nick stuck around for a moment.

"Rest in peace, Todd," Nick whispered, then walked away to join the rest.


End file.
